(As the play begins we hear the sound of a baby crying. KING ALPHONSE LAMONT enters with a baby. He paces the stage, trying to calm the baby down, but nothing seems to work. He stops and begins to sink to the ground. The THREE ROYAL BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS enter and catch him before he hits the ground, then form a protective cocoon around him.) #1 Servant! (OLIVER enters) The King wants a bottle! #2 Servant! (OLIVER runs to #2) The King wants a nurse! #3 Servant! (OLIVER runs to #3) The Royal Baby is crying! ALL What could be worse! #1 From late, late last evening the infant has wailed. If he doesn't stop soon, you will be jailed! #2 You must search and search until you can find Something to soothe his little behind. #3 It's obvious, servant, that something's astray. Why won't this noise just go away! KING Ahem! #3 Your excellency! #2 Your majesty! #1 Your highness! A pleasure! You're looking well, And the baby is precious from what I can tell. (The BABY wails) KING I order you to stop speaking in rhyme. ALL Yes, your majesty. KING My most trusted advisors, I have a problem. #1 I am at your service. If there is anything I can do, your excellency, just ask. #2 I walk behind you, basking in your glow. Anything at all, just ask. #3 I am nothing without you, lord of the realm. A flea, a wretch. Anything you need, just ask. KING I am at my wit's end. Never, in all my reign, have I encountered such a disturbing problem. The bank fiasco was piffle! ALL Piffle! KING The senate situation was simpleminded. ALL Simpleminded? KING Mind you, it is something much more. (beat) It's the royal baby. ALL The royal baby??!!!?? KING The royal baby. I have tried everything to calm the child. KING I have giggled, guffawed, laughed, cried, pleaded, chortled, chuckled, clapped, smiled, bubbled, burbled, babbled, gurgled, crowed, cackled, gibbered and cheered and the child won't stop wailing! #1 Perhaps..... #2 The tot... #3 Wants his mo..... #1 (interrupting) What we mean to say is that...uh...your majesty... #2 The child needs...err...um... #3 (panicking) His mo...ma...mot...ma...ma... (QUEEN ELOISE LOUISE enters) QUEEN Alphonse! Alphonse Lamont!! Have you found a babysitter? KING No, love. I was just about to ask one of the royal babysitting assistants to take the baby. (The THREE BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS gasp and turn away) QUEEN Well, we must be careful. After all, this is the first time we have left our little, precious, beloved, adorable darling alone. The love is a bit colicky and very sensitive and it is our duty as parents to entrust his well being to someone who understands the delicate nature of so perfect a child and will only have his best interest at heart until the Nurse arrives. OLIVER Your majesties, I... (the THREE BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS turn to OLIVER) ALL Sssssshhhhhhhhhhhh! QUEEN Our most loyal subjects, we need a royal babysitter. Someone who will treat the child with as much love and affection as my husband and I. Take the baby, keep him for us while we go off to meet the baby's nurse. KING My old nurse, my beloved companion from my youth, has not yet arrived to assume her royal duties. QUEEN There comes a time, as painful as it is, when parents must rend and rip themselves away from the child - for the child's own good. Such a time is at hand for us. It is most painful for us. KING Most painful. (The KING starts to faint. The QUEEN takes the infant and after another moment of swooning, the KING rights himself.) I'll be fine. (Beat as the KING straightens himself) Ahem. After a long and lengthy test of loyalty, you three have been designated as The Royal Babysitting Assistants. You wouldn't be here now if you hadn't proved your undying loyalty to the crown. The welfare of our child is in your hands. If anything happens to him, your dying loyalty will be your punishment. QUEEN (casually) You mean of course, their death. KING Yes...death...and a legacy of banishment for your descendants from our kingdom for ten times ten generations. (Pause) Now...who would like to volunteer? #2 As much as I cherish the thought of caring for the child, I have a... (sneezes) ALL Bless you. #2 Cold, my liege, and I wouldn't want to harm the infant. #3 As much as I would prize some time with the child, my back is not what it was. I could not hold the cherub. (#2 and #3 exit) KING (to #1, oblivious to OLIVER, who is waving his hands, trying to volunteer) Well... QUEEN Yes... #1 (after another moment's hesitation) Your majesties, I would be honored. KING (quickly) Here he is. Handle him with care. (OLIVER takes the BABY and hands him to #1) Here is his bag with everything you'll need. A bottle, a blanket, a baby blue bib, a bonnet, some booties, a bike, a bassinet, a ball and some biscuits, in case he gets hungry. There is every toy that has ever been given him in the bag. QUEEN If you find one he likes, please remember to tell us. KING (to the QUEEN) That's odd. I'm feeling a little faint. (to ASSISTANT #1) Thank you, Assistant #1. You are a most loyal subject. (KING and QUEEN hand the baby bag to #1 and exit as #1 and OLIVER bow down low. As soon as they leave, #1 hands the baby and the bag to OLIVER) #1 Royal Babysitting Assistant #2!! (#2 enters) So, you thought you were being clever. #2 (sheepishly) Yes, sir. #1 Take the baby! #1 (OLIVER holds out the baby to #2 as #1 leaves stops and turns on his way out) And I'll want a teething timetable! (exits) #2 Royal Babysitting Assistant #3!! (#3 enters) So, you thought you could pull one over on me!! #3 (bowing) Oh, no, sir! #2 Take the baby! (OLIVER holds out the baby to #3 as #1 leaves) (stops and turns on his way out) And I'll want a lullaby log! (exits) #3 A lullaby log??? As if I don't already have enough to do. (the BABY starts to cry) There, there, baby. "Sleep, little baby, sleep, don't even make a peep,... (the BABY starts to cry louder) If you don't take a nap, then I will have to slap... (the BABY wails) There, there, your majesty. I didn't mean it. (OLIVER is trying to help, but #3 ignores him) How about a bottle? Baby want a bottle? (OLIVER hands #3 a bottle. #3 obviously doesn't know what to do with it) Why won't you eat? (OLIVER takes out a rattle and shakes it) QUIET!!!! You'll disturb the baby. (OLIVER takes the bottle and puts it in the BABY'S mouth. The BABY is quiet for a moment, then wails again) You idiot!!! That wasn't the solution!!! If their majesties hear the baby crying, they will have my head. (desperate) Suck, baby, suck!!! (#3 makes a sucking face) OLIVER Excuse me, sir... #3 (responds, thinking the BABY spoke) What??...Uh...Yes? Do you want to say something, your majesty? OLIVER (OLIVER decides to play a joke on #3) You're a silly old poop. Baby is a princeling. Baby know how to suck. (referring to himself) He knows how to suck. #3 Who? OLIVER (as the BABY) Him. Behind you. #3 But, your babyship, he's just a servant. I don't talk to servants. OLIVER (as the BABY) But he knows how to suck. Just look at him. (#3 turns around and sees OLIVER making a sucking face) #3 Well, I must admit, he does know how to suck. OLIVER (as the BABY) I command you to tell him he's a good sucker. #3 (befuddled) Yes, your babyship. (this is painful for him) Excuse me... OLIVER (as himself) Oliver. #3 (pointedly) Servant. It seems you certainly can... (turns away and then says to the BABY) Your majesty, I can't compliment a servant! OLIVER (as the BABY) I'll tell my daddy... #3 Very well, your majesty. (to OLIVER) Servant... (OLIVER steps in closer) You really know how to...uh...well... (sotto) Suck. OLIVER (Overdoing it) Pardon me, master, did you just compliment me? #3 (in pain) Yes. (beat) But I only did it because his babyship ordered me to. OLIVER (loudly) Attention!!! Everyone!!! An assistant to the assistant of the assistant to the king just paid me a compliment! #3 Sssssshhhhhhhhh!!!!! Someone might hear you! OLIVER But master, I want people to hear me. #3 Well, I don't! You're nothing but a servant. Why, you're nothing. (#3 turns and starts to walk away) OLIVER (as the BABY) That wasn't very nice. I order you to give me to the servant. #3 (horrified) But, your babyship.. OLIVER (as the BABY) Give me to him now! #3 Excuse me, servant... OLIVER Oliver. #3 (pointedly) Servant, his most royal babyship has ordered me to hand his most royal babyship over to you. (starting to cry) Here is his bag with everything you'll need. A bottle, a blanket, a baby blue bib, a bonnet, some booties, a bike a bassinet, a ball and some biscuits, in case he gets (he is bawling now) Hungry. (he slowly, painfully hands the BABY to OLIVER) Good bye, your babyship! (exits) OLIVER (sings) "Sleep, little baby, sleep, don't even make a peep, soon you'll be counting sheep, and you'll be sleeping deep. Nap, little baby, nap, sleep here in daddy's lap, follow the little map, some dreams you will surely trap. Sleep, little baby, sleep..." (beat) There. Fast asleep. All babies are good babies. I know what it's like for everyone to be too busy for you. You end up feeling all alone. All you needed was for someone to pay attention to you. (to himself) To know your name. (to the BABY) All you needed was for someone to pay attention to you. If I had the chance, we could laugh and sing and play all day. WILFREDO (O.S.) Oliver! Where are you? OLIVER (to the BABY) If I had the chance. WILFREDO (entering) There you are. I've been looking all over for you. OLIVER (to the BABY) Another master. OLIVER (to WILFREDO) Yes, master. At your service, master. WILFREDO Their majesties have given me a list of chores to do while they're away, (takes out a long list and unwinds it) So, I would like you to start with the laundry, then the dishes, then the... OLIVER But, master, the baby. WILFREDO I don't think that's on the list. (checks the list) Laundry, dishes, dusting, waxing, moving...no, no, I don't see baby on the list. (smacks him) Imbecile. Now, where was I? Ah! Dusting. After the dishes, the furniture must be dusted and waxed and polished... OLIVER No, master, I have a baby. WILFREDO Don't be ridiculous. You are nothing. You can't have anything. (sees the BABY) Is that a baby? (OLIVER nods yes) Why don't I know about it? OLIVER I just got it. WILFREDO Does it belong to you? OLIVER No. WILFREDO Where did you get it? OLIVER From the assistant to the assistant of the assistant to the king. WILFREDO He's nothing but a clumsy oaf. Where did he get the baby? OLIVER From an assistant of the assistant to the king. WILFREDO He's a blithering simpleton, worse than his assistant. Where did he get the baby? OLIVER From the assistant to the king. WILFREDO You must be joking. He's worse than his assistant and his assistant's assistant combined. Where did he get the baby? (before OLIVER can speak) I suppose you're going to tell me he got the baby from their majesties, the King and Queen, themselves. (he laughs) OLIVER Well...yes. WILFREDO No. (continues laughing) OLIVER Yes. (starts to laugh) WILFREDO No! (laughs harder) OLIVER Yes! (laughs harder) WILFREDO NO!! (laughing hysterically) OLIVER YES!!! (They are both howling with laughter.) WILFREDO (aside) Wait!!! That means that baby is the royal baby! My, my, my. A servant has the royal offspring. Three of their majesties most trusted advisors are failing miserably in their royal babysitting duties...a job that I should have had! WILFREDO If their majesties only knew what dreadful babysitters those three buffoons are, I'm sure they would give me the royal babysitting responsibilities. And then, who knows? Why, if I did a good job, I'm sure they would reward me. Golden ingots, diamonds, pesetas...why, they might be so grateful at a job well done they might give me the entire kingdom! Ssshhhh!...how can I get that baby away from that servant? (thinks for a moment) Servant! OLIVER Yes, master. WILFREDO Is that really the royal baby? OLIVER Yes, master. WILFREDO How can you be sure? OLIVER Well, I have his bottle, his blanket, a baby blue bib, a bonnet, some booties, a bike, a bassinet, a ball and... WILFREDO Let me see that. (WILFREDO takes the bag and looks inside) Drat! Why, yes, these are the royal baby accoutrement. (hands the bag back to OLIVER) OLIVER (reaches inside the bag) There are also some biscuits, in case he gets hungry. WILFREDO Biscuits? (WILFREDO gets an idea) Let me taste it. (grabs a biscuit and takes a bite) This is not a royal baby biscuit. OLIVER It's not? WILFREDO No. OLIVER How do you know? WILFREDO Have you ever tasted a royal baby biscuit? OLIVER No. WILFREDO Taste. (WILFREDO puts the biscuit in OLIVER'S mouth and OLIVER takes a bite and chews) Now, does that taste like a royal baby biscuit? OLIVER No. WILFREDO You didn't steal the royal baby biscuits for yourself and replace them with these, did you? OLIVER No. WILFREDO I hope not, for your sake. There hasn't been a royal beheading for days and the people are becoming restless. A royal baby biscuit robbery would be just the thing to satisfy the people's thirst for blood. OLIVER I swear I didn't take it. I swear I've never tasted a royal baby biscuit before. WILFREDO Your lack of taste is your saving grace. Besides, you're too stupid to steal a royal baby biscuit. OLIVER (taking another bite of the biscuit) This just tastes like a regular biscuit. WILFREDO (grabbing the biscuit from his mouth) Do you think their majesties would let his babyship eat just a regular baby biscuit? NO!! They would make sure his babyship has a baby biscuit befitting the royal taste buds. OLIVER But he's just a baby and it's just a biscuit. WILFREDO SSShhhh! Don't let their majesties hear you say that! WILFREDO Over 500 subjects work in the royal kitchen and it is their royal duty to provide the royal family with the best of royal food. If their majesties were to hear you say that this was "just a biscuit," and not a royal baby biscuit...ooohhh...I quiver to think what they might do. OLIVER What might they do? WILFREDO Prison, torture, banishment...maybe death. OLIVER But all I said was it was just a bis... WILFREDO Quiet! Do you want to risk further punishment? OLIVER But you said it was even a royal biscuit. WILFREDO Don't try to blame me for your mistake! You have held up a commonplace, average biscuit to that which is royal. You are doomed! If the king ever finds out what you've said, death would be only the beginning! OLIVER But you're the only one who's heard what I've said. WILFREDO There are spies everywhere. OLIVER Where? WILFREDO Behind your back, underfoot, under every nook and cranny, from behind every tree, hither and yon, up, down, north, south, east, west...why, even the walls have ears. OLIVER (panicked) What can I do? What can I do? WILFREDO There is only one thing. You must escape. Flee. Leave town. Vanish. Disappear. Go. Leave. Leave. Go. Leave. Go. Leave! OLIVER Leave? Leave! Yes. I must leave. Go. That's what I must do. WILFREDO Hurry, before someone arrests you. (OLIVER begins to leave) OLIVER Wait! WILFREDO What? OLIVER I can't leave. WILFREDO Why? OLIVER The baby. WILFREDO The baby? OLIVER The baby. I have the royal baby. WILFREDO Oh, my, my. That is a problem. Yes. You wouldn't want to add a royal kidnapping to your list of other crimes. Hmmmm.... OLIVER Wait! WILFREDO What? OLIVER I have an idea! But it means... (OLIVER starts to hand WILFREDO the BABY, then pulls the BABY back) No, I couldn't do that. (WILFREDO is thwarted, but continues) WILFREDO Do what,... (searches for his name) ...dear boy? OLIVER Well... (reconsiders again) Would you take the baby? WILFREDO Me? OLIVER Please!!! WILFREDO Well, I don't know. After all, I am the royal steward. I'm used to taking care of much more important matters. OLIVER But, isn't the baby an important matter? WILFREDO Only because he's the royal baby. Besides, I've never taken care of a baby before, and certainly never a royal baby. OLIVER It's really quite easy. You just need to feed him, burp him, play with him. I have everything right here. His bottle... WILFREDO Yes, yes, I know. His bottle, a blanket, a baby blue bib, a bonnet, some booties, a bike, a bassinet, a ball and some... OLIVER Well, you won't be needing the biscuits. I'll take them. I'm ordinary enough to eat them! (OLIVER puts the biscuits in his pocket) WILFREDO Hurry! You must go! (OLIVER starts to leave) Wait! Come back! (OLIVER returns) Good luck! (WILFREDO takes the biscuits from OLIVER's pockets as they hug) Now go! (OLIVER exits) I will be needing these. After all, I have a baby to take care of. As soon as their majesties discover that their three most trusted advisors have failed miserably in the royal babysitting duties, they will be banished from the kingdom and I will be rewarded. (musing) My Lord and my lady...no. Highnesses...no. Ah! WILFREDO Your majesties, I have the infant and he is safe. (beat) You want me to be the only royal babysitting assistant? Why no, your majesties, I couldn't...but if you insist, very well. (beat) You want me to be in charge of all the treasures in the royal vaults? Why, your majesties, really, I couldn't, I wouldn't, I shouldn't...but if you insist, I will. (beat) The royal babysitting assistant is just the beginning. Their majesties will quickly hand the kingdom over to me out of gratitude. I'll be king! I'll start wars with other kings and get their wealth. Soon, I'll have everything! I will own the world! (beat) But, I must have a plan. A plan. A plan. Hhhhmmmmm. (beat) I have it! I'll write a ransom note from Oliver, making it look like he kidnapped the baby from those three incompetent assistants, then I will find it and show it to their majesties. Once the four of them will be out of my way for good, I'll return the royal baby. Brilliant! Come, come, my child, if you're a good royal baby you'll soon be back with your royal family...if all goes according to plan! (WILFREDO exits with the BABY) (The THREE ROYAL BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS enter) #1 #2, their majesties request a report on the crying status of the royal infant...now! #2 #3, their majesties request a report on the crying status of the royal infant...now! #3 Oliver, their majesties request a report on the crying status of the royal infant...now! (beat) Oliver, their majesties request a report on the crying status of the royal infant...now! (beat) Oliver? (beat) OLIVER? (to #2) The child is missing. #2 The child is missing? #2 (to #1) The child is missing. #1 The child is missing? ALL We lost the royal baby! #1 What should I do? What should I do? The child is missing? I never knew. #2 I didn't do it, don't look at me, last time I saw him, he was with number three. #3 Don't you blame me, it's not my crime, I couldn't help it...I'm talking in rhyme! (They ALL gasp and eye each other suspiciously) #1 We can save ourselves, men, and then I think maybe, regain royal favor if we just find the ba... (trying not to rhyme) Tot. (exits) #2 You go look that way and I'll go look there, search high and low, use extreme ca... (trying not to rhyme) Solicitude. (exits) #3 (Building in intensity) Oliver's the one who committed this crime, it's all his fault I can't stop talking in rhyme, he's done this to me time after time, he's a piece of slime, swimming in grime, not worth a dime, way past his prime,.... #1 & #2 (O.S.) Here comes the King! Stop talking in rhyme! (#3 comes to attention, salutes) KING (entering with the QUEEN) We just wanted to see our precious darling once more before we leave. QUEEN My husband has been feeling faint and we just wanted to check on the baby. KING Where is the lad? #3 Your majesties, the baby is uh... (#3 is trying to figure out what to say) QUEEN Asleep? Of course. The dear needs his royal rest. Come, we will let him sleep. (to the KING) There's nothing for you to worry about. We won't be long. Dearest, we don't want be late for the nurse. KING (remembering) My old nurse. A wonderful woman. QUEEN She did wonders with you. KING (wistfully) I like to think she had something to do with my wonderfulness. Come, my love, we mustn't be late. #3 Fear not, your majesties. The royal baby is in the most capable hands. KING I should hope so. Woe to him... QUEEN Or her... KING Who causes one ounce of misery to that child. QUEEN Or us. KING Of course. It goes without saying. QUEEN Then why did you say it? KING Because I... (Flustered) Come my love, we're going to be late. (the KING and QUEEN exit. #3 bows low until they leave) #3 (aside) Woe to you, Oliver, woe, do you hear? And when I find you, you'll have plenty to fear! (#3 exits) (beat, then OLIVER enters, running, breathless) OLIVER My legs are tired, my feet are tired. I'm tired. (sits) I miss his babyship already. I hope he is happy. (beat) At least he's with someone. Now I'm all alone. I don't have anyone. No one to boss me around, to tell me what to do and where to go. It's lonely! If I had known how lonely it was to flee, I never would have flown. Boy, are my arms tired! (beat) I hope his babyship can forgive me. (gets up to leave) I'm glad I took the biscuits. At least I have something to eat. (reaches inside his pocket) Not there. They must have fallen out as I was fleeing. Oh, well, I'd better keep going. (he takes a step) I can't. I'm too tired. Just one more minute of rest. (from offstage, we hear the sound of the BABY crying) A baby? (he looks off and see WILFREDO) Wilfredo? Why is he out here with his babyship? (OLIVER hides) WILFREDO (entering with the BABY) There, there, baby. Sleep. Sleep. That's right. Sleep! (he puts the BABY and the baby bag down) Now I can write the ransom note. (takes out a pen and paper) Dear your majesties...hmmm. That doesn't sound quite right. Dear Sir and Madam...no...dear...wait. This is a ransom note. It should sound nasty. Dear is too nice. (thinking) Your majesties. No! Sir and Madam. No! Your Highnesses. No! No! No! It's no use. I can't write here. WILFREDO The brook is babbling, the sun is toasty warm, the shade is too cool and the grass is too green. And the baby! I can't write a ransom note here! If only I had a moment or two alone. (tries to sneak off, then guilt takes over) But I can't leave the baby. But if I don't leave the baby, I'll never get the ransom note written and if I never get the note written, I'll never get control of the world. (to the BABY) Your babyship, forgive me. I'm just stepping over to the other side of the meadow to write the ransom note. I'll be right back, I promise. (exits) OLIVER (emerging from his hiding place) How could he have left you here by yourself? Doesn't he know anything about taking care of babies? They like to be cuddled, not deserted. (there is a loud noise offstage) Wilfredo! If he sees me here, my head will be gone! I'd better flee. (He picks up the BABY, then decides not to take him and puts him back down. To the BABY) Pardon me, your babyship, you are meant to be King. If you fled with me, you'd be nothing but a servant. (OLIVER exits) NURSE (enters, carrying a BABY) Hello, sky! Hello, clouds! Oh, look! A horse! No, I think it's a ballerina! Hello, grass! Hello, Flowers! Doesn't it smell wonderful? Oh, a brook! What a lovely day for a picnic. (sits) She's asleep. Now I can feast on an apple. I found the ripest, juiciest apple on the other side of the meadow. This reminds me of the days when I was in service to the king. Every day he and I would go into the royal woods and pick the ripest fruit and lie in the sun, giving names to the animals playing all around us. I knew then he would be wonderful king. He is. And I like to think I had something to do with his wonderfulness. I did. (to the BABY) And won't he be surprised when he sees you, my little darling? My baby, a playmate for his son. (sees the baby bag) Why, what's all this? (picks up the bag and looks inside) A bottle, a blanket, a baby blue bib? NURSE These are all baby things. (sees the ROYAL BABY asleep, drops the bag and picks him up) Another baby! It's beautiful. And so peaceful, lying there asleep. Why, you are the best baby in the world. (picking up her BABY) Which is not to say that you're not the best baby in the world. You are. (to the ROYAL BABY) And so are you. You are both the best babies in the world. And I am the happiest woman! (she does a little dance with both of the BABIES in her arms) As much as I love these babies and as much as I love taking care of them, it does give me quite an appetite. The meadow is not that far away. And there was a lovely apple tree nearby! (she exits with the TWO BABIES) WILFREDO (entering) Your babyship, I have written the best ransom note ever. If this note doesn't cause your parents to give me the kingdom out of gratitude, nothing will. If the three babysitting assistants admit their own incompetence, they will be condemned to death! I don't have to worry about Oliver ratting on me. If he ever returns, he will be arrested on the spot. Listen. "Hey, your majesties, I am the roughest, toughest varmint..." (WILFREDO notices the BABY is missing) Your babyship? Your babyship? Where are you? Have you fallen into the brook? (he jumps in and splashes around) No. Not in the brook. Not in the sun. Not in the shade. He must have crawled off. The next thing you know, he'll be talking! Your babyship! Your babyship! (exits, calling "Your Babyship!") OLIVER ((enters, sneaking. He sees WILFREDO isn't near, so he walks to where the ROYAL BABY was) Oh, good, he's not back. Your babyship, I couldn't leave you all aol.... (sees the baby bag) What's this? A blanket? A bonnet? These are his babyship's things. Your babyship! Your babyship! Where is he? I never should have left. He's gone and it's all my fault! Where can he be? (he starts to cry) WILFREDO (O.S.) Your babyship, is that you crying? Where are you? OLIVER Wilfredo? (cries louder) I'd better leave. (before he can leave, WILFREDO reenters. OLIVER hides under the blanket and puts on the baby bonnet.) WILFREDO (seeing the contents of the bag scattered and OLIVER under the blanket, he walks over to the shaking blanket) Your babyship? Is that you? This is the baby's blanket. This is the baby's bonnet. This must be the baby. (he pulls the blanket off OLIVER, who is now wearing the baby bonnet and still crying) OLIVER Wwwaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!! WILFREDO (stunned at what he sees) My, how you've grown! (OLIVER starts acting like a baby) What's happened to you? Did you drink the water? Oh, my, my. Baby takes a drink of water from a polluted stream and grows the body of a man while keeping the brain of an infant. Will the king want you back now that you've grown? OLIVER (crying louder) Wwwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! WILFREDO (Trying to soothe him) Of course he will, of course he will. I only meant that...uh...what I mean is...a bottle! Baby want a bottle? (beat) I know. Baby want a biscuit? OLIVER Huh? WILFREDO They're royal biscuits, baked by the royal baker. OLIVER Biscuits! WILFREDO (stunned) Pardon me, your babyship, did you just speak? OLIVER (as the BABY) Biscuits! Me want biscuits! WILFREDO You did. You spoke! OLIVER (crying) Me want biscuit! WILFREDO Oh, my, my. If his majesty sees what has happened to his babyship, I am a doomed man. I wonder how I can blame this on Oliver. OLIVER (crying, as the BABY) Me want biscuit! WILFREDO Yes, yes, your babyship, right away. They're over in the meadow. I'll only be gone a moment. (beat) Stay over here, baby. Don't go near the water. (WILFREDO struggles to move OLIVER away from the brook) There. Now stay. I'll be right back. (exits) OLIVER So, he kept the biscuits! NURSE (enters) Look, children, a posy! OLIVER Hello! NURSE (to one BABY) You spoke? OLIVER No, it was me. NURSE (to the other BABY) Oh, you spoke! OLIVER No, it was me. NURSE (to the first BABY) But you just said... OLIVER (signaling to her) No, it's me! NURSE Oh, silly me. I thought one of the babies was talking. OLIVER I see you have two. Are both of those babies your babies? NURSE This baby is my baby. I love her very much. This baby is also my baby. I found him. Right here, on the bank near the brook. OLIVER May I hold him? Just for a moment. NURSE Well, only for a moment. (she hands OLIVER the baby) Oh, my, oh, my. I must have the baby. I think I'm going to faint. If I don't have the baby, I'm going to faint. (the NURSE starts to swoon) OLIVER Here! Take the baby! (OLIVER puts the BABY back in the NURSE'S arms) NURSE Thank you. Once the baby is out of my arms, I'm overcome. OLIVER Really? NURSE I'm very sensitive. But as long as I know the child is in the arms of someone who loves it dearly, I will be all right. OLIVER I love babies. NURSE Everyone loves babies. But how can you love it dearly after such a short while? I'm afraid he must stay in my arms. (beat) Well, I must be going. Babies love walks. Good bye! (the NURSE exits with the two BABIES) OLIVER That was his babyship! What am I going to do? If their majesties find out about this someone is going to be in big trouble and if anyone is going to be in big trouble, it's me! (he starts crying) WILFREDO (enters) Your babyship, forgive me! I wasn't able to find the royal biscuits. I'm sure I grabbed them from that simpleton, but I must have dropped them along the way. OLIVER (wailing) Wwwwwwaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! WILFREDO (aside) Why do babies have to cry? (to OLIVER) There, there, your babyship, everything will be all right. We'll go back the way we came. (WILFREDO tries to lift OLIVER and can't) Can baby walk? You know, walk? Like this? (WILFREDO demonstrates walking like a baby, then tries to get OLIVER to walk. OLIVER takes a step or two, then falls.) Oh, your babyship, forgive me! (WILFREDO tries to comfort him, but OLIVER continues to wail.) There is just no consoling you, is there? Let's go find the biscuits. (WILFREDO struggles to lift OLIVER and the exit, leaving the baby belongings behind.) QUEEN (enters) Here we are, at last! KING (enters) At last! You know, I don't feel quite so woozy anymore. Must be the fresh air. Since our royal parenthood responsibilities have been entrusted to our three advisors, we can finally relax. It will be a few moments before the nurse arrives - we can be alone... QUEEN But I miss our baby! KING (Sighs) So do I. (Sighs again) The baby is with our three trusted advisors. Who knows when we will be alone like this again? (he moves in to give the QUEEN a kiss) QUEEN Is that her? KING Where? QUEEN (coyly) There? KING (looks) No. (They kiss) This day reminds me of my childhood, when my nurse and I would spend time gathering flowers and lying in the sun, giving names to the clouds. She's a wonderful nurse. She will be wonderful for our baby. (Sighs) I miss our baby! QUEEN So do I. KING I'm ready to resume the royal parenthood responsibilities. (see the baby bag) What's this? QUEEN A bottle? KING A blanket? QUEEN These are my baby's things. Where is he? (she looks around) My baby! (the KING faints) My husband! (she tries to awaken him) KING (awakening) My baby! (to the Queen) My queen, tell me it's a bad dream. QUEEN (awakening) My sweet, I don't know what has happened, but someone is going to pay. That I promise you. KING Our baby! (he faints again) QUEEN Up! Wake up! We'll get to the bottom of this, I promise. (she lifts the KING to his feet) Someone has some explaining to do! (they exit, with the KING swooning as they leave) WILFREDO (enters carrying OLIVER on his back) Your babyship, I cannot possibly play horsey for one more step. Besides, it's time for your nap. OLIVER No! WILFREDO Now, your babyship, if you want to grow up and be a big, strong man, you must get plenty of sleep. Now come over here and lie down. OLIVER Sing baby song! WILFREDO Oh, your majesty, really, I can't... OLIVER Sing baby song now! WILFREDO (reluctantly) Very well, your majesty. (he sings) "Sleep, little baby, sleep, don't even make a peep. Nap, little baby, nap, sleep here in mommy's lap... (OLIVER starts to laugh) What's so funny? OLIVER Man not mommy. WILFREDO Of course not! I'm Wilf. ..a kindly old man who is taking care of you until you go back to your mommy and daddy. OLIVER Me miss mommy! Me want to go home! WILFREDO Well, the kindly old man wants to go home, too. OLIVER Me lonely. Me want hug. WILFREDO (disgusted) Very well. Climb up. (OLIVER climbs into WILFREDO'S lap and opens his arms wide for a big hug. WILFREDO reluctantly gives him a hug. OLIVER falls asleep in WILFREDO'S lap) (aside) Why do these things always happen to me? This baby is not cute, he's not cuddly and he's not little. What am I going to do? NURSE (entering) Look! It's an elephant! WILFREDO (without looking at her) Hello. NURSE Hello. WILFREDO (still not looking at her) What are you doing this fine day? NURSE I'm out strolling with my babies. WILFREDO Babies? (we see the light bulb go off in his head, then he turns around) Me too. This is my baby. (he indicates OLIVER, sleeping peacefully) NURSE (after looking at OLIVER) Oh, my. He's a big, beautiful baby. These are my babies. They are not as big as your baby, but I love them all the same. WILFREDO Most people would consider your babies rather average in size, don't you think? NURSE (weighing them carefully) I suppose they are rather average in size, yes. WILFREDO May I hold one of them? NURSE But why? You have your own precious darling to hold. WILFREDO Well, he is very precious, and he is very, very, darling, but he is also very, very, very large. He's not like your babies, small and easy to hold. As you can see, he is as gigantic as the love I bear for him. NURSE Oh, yes, gigantic! WILFREDO (melodramatically) You, as a lover of babies, must know how painful it is to not hold a beloved infant in one's arms. NURSE (beginning to react) Oh, yes, it is painful. WILFREDO Very painful. NURSE Very, very painful. WILFREDO If I don't hold a baby soon, I may faint. NURSE You too? Here. (She hands him one of her BABIES. He turns to go, but almost immediately the NURSE begins to faint) Oh, dear, oh, my, I'm going to faint. NURSE (she begins to fall, then recovers) Yes, I'm fainting. (she falls again, then recovers) Oh, my. I'm going to faint. (she falls to both knees. WILFREDO has no choice but to help her up) WILFREDO (handing back the BABY) Here! Take back the baby! (frustrated) My, it is painful for you, isn't it? (he gets another idea) Would you like to hold my baby? NURSE Of course, but, he's so large. WILFREDO But, madam, my baby is not in the arms of someone who loves him dearly. (more melodramatically) Look at him, pitifully large, unable to be held by me... NURSE Oh, my, oh, my. I'm going to faint. Yes, yes, I'm fainting, I'm fainting! That poor child. Help me over there. I can at least cradle his head in my lap. (WILFREDO struggles to get the NURSE over to OLIVER, helps lower her to him, then takes the ROYAL BABY and helps her cradle OLIVER'S head in her lap) At last, he is in the arms of someone who loves him dearly. WILFREDO Yes. At last. Well, would you look at that? While you're holding my baby, I seem to be holding one of yours. NURSE And of course, you love it dearly. WILFREDO Well...no. NURSE (horrified) No? WILFREDO (matter-of-factly) No. I don't really like babies all that much. They burp and spit and you have to watch them all the time. NURSE Oh, my goodness. I think I'm going to faint. (waiting for a response) I'm fainting! (still waiting) I'm going to faint. (pleading) Please give me back my baby. WILFREDO No. You have two. NURSE But you...but I...that baby...these babies... (she faints, then) I'm fainted. (she falls) WILFREDO Good. (aside) Now I have a baby I can hold for ransom. When I return this baby to their majesties, they will never be able to tell the difference between this one and the one that...grew. I will present this baby as the one that I have saved and their majesties will hand over the kingdom to me! (exits with the BABY) (beat) #3 (enters alone) Where, oh where can that Oliver be? #2 (enters alone) I certainly hope no one notices me. #1 (enters alone) I'd like to rest here under a tree. #2 I can't imagine this being any worse. #1 This weather is just a curse. #3 If I'm not mistaken, that looks like a nurse. (goes in for a look) What's this? Can it be? Oliver upon her knee? Wait'll I box his... #3 (sees the BABY) The royal baby! (triumphantly) At last! Now I can return the lad and prove that I am not so bad. (he leans over and takes the BABY from the NURSE'S arms) NURSE (awakening) Sir! What are you doing? My child! #3 Madam, this child is the royal baby. NURSE No! She is mine! #3 By the King and Queen he is being sought and to them I will return this tot. It's quite simple - I have him and you have not. NURSE But I...but you... this baby... (she faints again, then) I'm fainted. (she falls) #3 Glory is what was meant for me. This moment is my destiny! #2 Give him to me now, right away. #3 Yes sir, here, I'll do as you say. (he hands the BABY to #2) #2 Now I'll be the one who's done the good deed. #1 You have the baby? He's just what I need. (#2 hands the BABY to #1) Gentlemen, we're about to be late. Please be prepared to meet with your fate! (they exit) OLIVER (awakening, as a baby) Me hungry! Me want more bottle! NURSE (awakening, almost smothering OLIVER) My babies! My babies! OLIVER (as himself, struggling to break free) Hey! Hey! Let me go! NURSE You spoke? My, you truly are not an average baby. OLIVER I'm not a baby. NURSE That kindly old man told me you were his baby and he took my baby when I was holding you. OLIVER That was no kindly old man. That was the king's steward, Wilfredo. NURSE I must tell the King his steward has no love for babies. OLIVER You know the King? NURSE I like to think I am responsible for his wonderfulness. OLIVER You're his nurse? NURSE Of course. And I am on my way to take care of his little baby. (she faints) OLIVER Wake up! (she awakes) NURSE Pardon me. It's my condition, you know. I will never be able to help his majesty with his baby until I find my baby. OLIVER Where's your baby? NURSE A man took her who said she was the King's baby. NURSE Can you imagine that? My little baby girl being mistaken for the King's son? And now both of my babies are gone, stolen, and all I wanted to do was love them dearly. (she cries, then faints) OLIVER Three lazy royal babysitting assistants, two stolen babies, a fainted nurse and a royal steward who wants to blame everything on me. I can continue fleeing or I can risk certain death by returning and telling their majesties what happened. (thinks for a moment) Fleeing's not so bad. His babyship knows the truth. (starts to go) But he can't talk. We're the only ones who know the truth and I'm the only one who can talk. Even if no one believes me, their majesties deserve to know what has been happening in the name of royal babysitting. I have no choice. (waking the NURSE) NURSE My babies! My babies! (she starts to faint again) OLIVER Don't faint! I'll take you to their majesties and we will get your babies back. NURSE Really? OLIVER It's probably the last thing I'll ever do. (OLIVER helps the NURSE stand and they exit, with the NURSE swooning on the way out) WILFREDO (entering with the ROYAL BABY) Their majesties have the ransom note! In a few moments, the royal babysitting assistants will be called together and dismissed, Oliver will be sentenced to death and then I will appear with the baby, hand the brat over and humbly collect my reward. #1 (entering with the other BABY) Make way for the royal babysitting assistant! I have the royal baby. Make way for the royal babysitting assistant. WILFREDO (aside) I have the royal baby. (to #1) Ahem. Excuse me, sir. #1 (haughtily) Steward. What aren't you counting napkins or doing whatever it is you do? WILFREDO I'm waiting to speak to their majesties regarding some very important business, but the King keeps fainting. #1 I'm sure whatever piddley little thing you have to say that needs their majesties' attention can wait while I return the royal baby. WILFREDO Are you sure that is the royal baby? #1 Of course! Their majesties entrusted his care to me and he has not been out of my sight. WILFREDO (aside) I don't have the royal baby. I must get that child! (thinks for a moment) Pity about your shoe. #1 My shoe? WILFREDO It's untied. #1 (panicking) This cannot be. I am seeing the King and Queen shortly to return the child and if I am seen with my shoe untied... WILFREDO Why don't you tie it? #1 I can't tie my shoe! WILFREDO Why not? #1 The baby, you fool! I'm holding the royal baby! WILFREDO Why don't you have someone hold the infant for you while you tie your shoe? #1 As the chief royal babysitting assistant, I order you to hold the baby. WILFREDO I hear and obey. (#1 hands the BABY to WILFREDO. While he checks his shoe, WILFREDO switches the BABIES) #1 My shoe doesn't have a lace. WILFREDO My mistake. #1 You simpleton! Give me the baby! WILFREDO Yes, your lordship. (WILFREDO hands #1 the ROYAL BABY. [WILFREDO should now have the NURSE'S BABY] aside.) Now I have the royal baby! The kingdom will soon be mine! #2 (entering) Their majesties have called for a royal assembly. #3 (enters. to #1) Pity about your shoe. #1 My shoe? #3 It's untied. #1 You oaf! My shoe doesn't have a lace. #3 Drat! #2 Their royal majesties, King Alphonse Lamont and Queen Eloise Louise! (the KING and QUEEN enter. The KING looks at #1, then faints. #2 and #3 rush over and help him up and he wakens) QUEEN Husband, we will get to the bottom of this, I assure you. Please try not to faint. You have an inquiry. KING Yes, my Queen. (he steadies himself and begins) I'm glad to see you all assembled. First of all, has anyone seen or heard from my old nurse? ALL No, your majesty. KING That is most curious. As you know, she is to arrive today to take care of my baby. Unfortunately, when my wife and I went to our meeting place, we did not find her. Instead, we found a baby bag... (beat) Oh, my..... (he faints. #2 and #3 attend to him, while the QUEEN continues) QUEEN The very bag we gave to you, Royal Babysitting Assistant #1, to help in the care of our child. And inside were all of our baby's things. KING (awakening) Except the baby bonnet and the biscuits. #1 Your majesty, I entrusted the care of the bag to my two assistants. I don't know what happened to it, but I promise you a full investigation.... QUEEN Yes. That's all very well. We were rather surprised at this turn of events and were even more... (to the KING) My dear, how would you phrase it? KING Mortified? Horror-stricken? Astounded? Baffled? Dumb- Founded? Confounded? Confused? (the KING faints again and #2 and #3 attend to him) QUEEN Thank you, confused, when we received a most curious note. Royal Babysitting Assistant #2, would you care to read it aloud? #2 (steadying the KING) Certainly, my lady. (The Queen hands #2 the note and he reads it silently to himself) QUEEN Read it aloud. #2 Yes, your majesty. (while #2 is reading the letter, WILFREDO gleefully mouths the words of the note) "Hey, your majesties, I am the roughest, toughest, meanest varmint in these here parts and I have your cute, cuddly little baby. He was handed down to me through your three royal babysitting assistants to me and..." Your majesty, I can't go on. KING (awakening) This is indeed a strange note, isn't it? ALL Yes, you majesty. QUEEN After all, you're holding the baby. ALL Yes, your majesty. KING That is my baby, isn't it? ALL (except WILFREDO) Yes, your majesty. QUEEN None of you would be so negligent as to hand over the royal baby to a lowly household servant named... (she searches for the name) WILFREDO Oliver, your majesty. QUEEN Thank you, steward. Yes, Oliver. According to this note, he is planning to hold our baby for a ransom of a million pesetas... WILFREDO A trillion! KING & QUEEN Pardon me? WILFREDO A trillion...pesetas. Your majesties, I know precisely what happened. KING & QUEEN You do? WILFREDO Oh yes, your majesties, and I have your real baby. #3 He's mad! #2 He's demented! #1 Your majesties, this man is a lout. He doesn't know what he talking about. KING & QUEEN You're rhyming. #1 Sorry. WILFREDO Your majesties, I saved the baby from that ruffian, Oliver, as he was fleeing. I saw him drop the ransom note off at the palace before he left and followed him to the meadow, where I confronted him and demanded he return the royal infant. We fought... QUEEN That explains the contents of the baby bag scattered by the brook. WILFREDO Uhhh...why, yes, your majesty. When I finally grabbed the baby from his arms, he turned and fled, but not before taking the royal baby biscuits. ALL Oh! OLIVER (O.S.) (as he is entering) He's lying! NURSE (entering) My babies! My babies! (she faints) #3 It's him! WILFREDO Your majesties, this is the man who stole your baby! #1 Arrest him! #2 Arrest him! #3 You're under arrest! KING What's that on your head? OLIVER A baby bonnet. QUEEN The royal baby bonnet? OLIVER Yes, your majesty. WILFREDO Your majesty, he admits stealing the royal baby bonnet! Behead him! A royal beheading!! ALL A beheading! A royal beheading!! KING Before anyone is beheaded, I'd like to ask him a question. (to OLIVER) Now... (searching for his name) OLIVER Oliver. KING Oliver. I'm confused. My wife and I gave one baby, our baby, to my chief babysitting assistant, to look after while we traveled to meet my old nurse. Not only were we unable to find my nurse, now there are two babies, a ransom note for a million pesetas... WILFREDO A trillion! KING Excuse me, a trillion pesetas, and the lowliest servant in our household is wearing the royal baby bonnet while calling my three most trusted royal babysitting assistants and the steward of my household liars. All this strikes me as rather odd and since I've already heard from Wilfredo, I would like to hear your version of exactly what happened. #3 Your majesty, I must lodge an official protest. #2 He's nothing but a servant! WILFREDO & #1 Your majesty, I have the infant right here! OLIVER Your majesty, your child was handed down through your three babysitting assistants to me, because none of them wanted to take the time to look after your baby. They each devised a different reason to ignore the baby and I finally tricked Royal Babysitting Assistant #3 into giving me the baby, because he didn't even know how to give the baby a bottle. #3 Aha! Your majesty, he tricked me. The rapscallion admits it! QUEEN In much the same way you seem to have tricked us, when we were assured by you that you could feed the royal baby a bottle. QUEEN (to OLIVER) Continue. OLIVER I just wanted to take care of his babyship, but Wilfredo demanded I do my castle chores, until he found out I had your baby. Wilfredo told me I must flee, because I said the royal baby biscuits tasted ordinary. WILFREDO Your majesty, think of the royal kitchen... QUEEN Quiet! OLIVER So I fled. Then I came upon the Nurse, who had two babies... KING My nurse? NURSE (awakening) Your majesty? KING My Nurse! OLIVER She had both babies, but she was tricked by Wilfredo and him - (pointing to #3) They stole the babies from her. We would have been here sooner, but she kept fainting along the way. QUEEN Why? NURSE & KING (the KING is remembering; now it makes sense to him) Because I faint if a baby is not being held by someone who loves it dearly! ALL Your majesty, that is absurd! QUEEN Let's see if he's telling the truth. (to #1 and WILFREDO) Gentlemen, place the babies in the arms of those who love them dearly. QUEEN (they walk up, confused, because they are not sure which baby is which. #1 offers the ROYAL BABY to the NURSE and WILFREDO offers the other BABY to the KING. They each accept the BABY offered to them, weigh and feel it carefully, then simultaneously offer each other the correct BABY.) Well? NURSE This is my baby, your majesty. KING I didn't know you had a baby! NURSE Just as I was preparing to come here, the stork brought her to me. Do you know what this means? KING & QUEEN No. NURSE Now our children can grow together! KING (to the QUEEN) This is our baby, my queen. I've never been surer of anything. Thank goodness for happy endings! QUEEN Not quite. (to the THREE BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS & WILFREDO) I would like to know who is responsible for passing my baby around like a sack of potatoes. #3 (pointing to #2) Your majesties, I must confess. I got the child from #2. He's responsible. #2 (pointing to #1) I got the baby from #1. He's responsible. #1 I got the baby from the king and queen. They're respon...excuse me, your majesties. Of course, you can't be responsible. You're the King and Queen. It was a mistake on my part. What I meant to say is... (beat. pointing to Wilfredo) Wilfredo is responsible. He tricked Oliver and stole the baby. WILFREDO Your majesties, Oliver willingly gave the child to me. He masterminded the whole plot! If anyone is responsible, it is him. (The THREE BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS & WILFREDO surround OLIVER) #1 You majesty, allow us to punish this ruffian! #2 Rapscallion! #3 Rogue! WILFREDO A royal beheading! (As they close in on OLIVER, we hear the BABIES crying) KING He's crying! NURSE She's crying! QUEEN (to the NURSE) Can you do anything? NURSE (trying to calm her BABY) I'm afraid not, your majesty. She's upset. Oh, my. Oh, dear...I think I'm going to faint. (She begins to swoon and as everyone separates, OLIVER rushes in and grabs the BABY. She immediately stops crying. As she stops crying, the NURSE recovers) She stopped! Your majesty... (she goes over and whispers to the KING) KING Oliver, come here! (OLIVER approaches the KING) Take the royal baby. (the KING hands the ROYAL BABY to OLIVER and as soon as he is in OLIVER'S arms, the ROYAL BABY stops crying. There is a moment of silence then) THREE BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS & WILFREDO A sorcerer! Burn him at the stake! QUEEN (to WILFREDO) You are trying my patience. It is obvious that Oliver loves these babies dearly. You have accused him unjustly. You, our three royal babysitting assistants, have failed miserably in your royal babysitting duties and you must be punished. ALL The gallows? KING No. You will learn how to acceptably take care of a baby from the Nurse. Perhaps by the time my son is king, you will know the proper way to take care of a child. And see that you learn well. ALL Yes, your majesty. QUEEN Wilfredo, we will offer you a choice of punishments. You may either pay a fine of one million pesetas... WILFREDO A trillion! (realizes what he has done) Oh, no! KING Very well, a trillion pesetas, or you can change the baby. WILFREDO You majesties, I've never changed a baby. What do you change a baby to? KING Nurse... QUEEN Would you care to explain? NURSE Yes, your majesties. (moves to WILFREDO) First you.... (whispers) Then you... (whispers) But don't forget to... (whispers) WILFREDO (disgusted) Oh, your majesties, I'll pay the fine. KING Oliver? OLIVER Yes, you majesty? KING My child loves you. NURSE So does mine. KING Our first responsibility is to the children. Do you love them dearly? OLIVER Yes, your majesty. KING Then I command you.. QUEEN No, we ask you, will you stay and be our chief babysitting assistant? OLIVER Yes, your majesty. NURSE I'll teach you all you need to know. OLIVER I'll stay. KING Good. Remember, there is a lesson to be learned here and it's quite a serious one.... (from the BABIES there is a wail) OLIVER Excuse me, your majesty, but I think they're trying to tell you we've all learned our lesson. KING You mean, we're finished? OLIVER Yes, your majesty. KING Very well. (to the THE ROYAL BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS and WILFREDO) Your punishments will begin at once. QUEEN (to the NURSE) We will show you to your rooms. KING (to OLIVER) You will provide us with invaluable assistance. QUEEN (turning to the audience) And to all of you... KING & QUEEN Thank you and good-bye! ALL (turning to the AUDIENCE) Thank you and good-bye! ??