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(As the play begins we hear the sound of a baby crying. KING ALPHONSE LAMONT enters with a baby. He paces the stage, trying to calm the baby down, but nothing seems to work. He stops and begins to sink to the ground. The THREE ROYAL BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS enter and catch him before he hits the ground, then form a protective cocoon around him.)
#1
Servant!
(OLIVER enters)
The King wants a bottle!
#2
Servant!
(OLIVER runs to #2)
The King wants a nurse!
#3
Servant!
(OLIVER runs to #3)
The Royal Baby is crying!
ALL
What could be worse!
#1
From late, late last evening the infant has wailed. If he doesn't stop soon, you will be jailed!
#2
You must search and search until you can find Something to soothe his little behind.
#3
It's obvious, servant, that something's astray. Why won't this noise just go away!
KING
Ahem!
#3
Your excellency!
#2
Your majesty!
#1
Your highness! A pleasure! You're looking well, And the baby is precious from what I can tell.
(The BABY wails)
KING
I order you to stop speaking in rhyme.
ALL
Yes, your majesty.
KING
My most trusted advisors, I have a problem.
#1
I am at your service. If there is anything I can do, your excellency, just ask.
#2
I walk behind you, basking in your glow. Anything at all, just ask.
#3
I am nothing without you, lord of the realm. A flea, a wretch. Anything you need, just ask.
KING
I am at my wit's end. Never, in all my reign, have I encountered such a disturbing problem. The bank fiasco was piffle!
ALL
Piffle!
KING
The senate situation was simpleminded.
ALL
Simpleminded?
KING
Mind you, it is something much more.
(beat)
It's the royal baby.
ALL
The royal baby??!!!??
KING
The royal baby. I have tried everything to calm the child.
KING
I have giggled, guffawed, laughed, cried, pleaded, chortled, chuckled, clapped, smiled, bubbled, burbled, babbled, gurgled, crowed, cackled, gibbered and cheered and the child won't stop wailing!
#1
Perhaps.....
#2
The tot...
#3
Wants his mo.....
#1
(interrupting)
What we mean to say is that...uh...your majesty...
#2
The child needs...err...um...
#3
(panicking)
His mo...ma...mot...ma...ma...
(QUEEN ELOISE LOUISE enters)
QUEEN
Alphonse! Alphonse Lamont!! Have you found a babysitter?
KING
No, love. I was just about to ask one of the royal babysitting assistants to take the baby.
(The THREE BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS gasp and turn away)
QUEEN
Well, we must be careful. After all, this is the first time we have left our little, precious, beloved, adorable darling alone. The love is a bit colicky and very sensitive and it is our duty as parents to entrust his well being to someone who understands the delicate nature of so perfect a child and will only have his best interest at heart until the Nurse arrives.
OLIVER
Your majesties, I...
(the THREE BABYSITTING ASSISTANTS turn to OLIVER)
ALL
Sssssshhhhhhhhhhhh!
QUEEN
Our most loyal subjects, we need a royal babysitter. Someone who will treat the child with as much love and affection as my husband and I. Take the baby, keep him for us while we go off to meet the baby's nurse.
KING
My old nurse, my beloved companion from my youth, has not yet arrived to assume her royal duties.
QUEEN
There comes a time, as painful as it is, when parents must rend and rip themselves away from the child - for the child's own good. Such a time is at hand for us. It is most painful for us.
KING
Most painful.
(The KING starts to faint. The QUEEN takes the infant and after another moment of swooning, the KING rights himself.)
I'll be fine.
(Beat as the KING straightens himself)
Ahem. After a long and lengthy test of loyalty, you three have been designated as The Royal Babysitting Assistants. You wouldn't be here now if you hadn't proved your undying loyalty to the crown. The welfare of our child is in your hands. If anything happens to him, your dying loyalty will be your punishment.
QUEEN
(casually)
You mean of course, their death.
KING
Yes...death...and a legacy of banishment for your descendants from our kingdom for ten times ten generations.
(Pause)
Now...who would like to volunteer?
#2
As much as I cherish the thought of caring for the child, I have a...
(sneezes)
ALL
Bless you.
#2
Cold, my liege, and I wouldn't want to harm the infant.
#3
As much as I would prize some time with the child, my back is not what it was. I could not hold the cherub.
(#2 and #3 exit)
KING
(to #1, oblivious to OLIVER, who is waving his hands, trying to volunteer)
Well...
QUEEN
Yes...
#1
(after another moment's hesitation)
Your majesties, I would be honored.
KING
(quickly)
Here he is. Handle him with care.
(OLIVER takes the BABY and hands him to #1)
Here is his bag with everything you'll need. A bottle, a blanket, a baby blue bib, a bonnet, some booties, a bike, a bassinet, a ball and some biscuits, in case he gets hungry. There is every toy that has ever been given him in the bag.
QUEEN
If you find one he likes, please remember to tell us.
KING
(to the QUEEN)
That's odd. I'm feeling a little faint.
(to ASSISTANT #1)
Thank you, Assistant #1. You are a most loyal subject.
(KING and QUEEN hand the baby bag to #1 and exit as #1 and OLIVER bow down low. As soon as they leave, #1 hands the baby and the bag to OLIVER)
#1
Royal Babysitting Assistant #2!!
(#2 enters)
So, you thought you were being clever.
#2
(sheepishly)
Yes, sir.
#1
Take the baby!
#1
(OLIVER holds out the baby to #2 as #1 leaves stops and turns on his way out)
And I'll want a teething timetable!
(exits)
#2
Royal Babysitting Assistant #3!!
(#3 enters)
So, you thought you could pull one over on me!!
#3
(bowing)
Oh, no, sir!
#2
Take the baby!
(OLIVER holds out the baby to #3 as #1 leaves)
(stops and turns on his way out)
And I'll want a lullaby log!
(exits)
#3
A lullaby log??? As if I don't already have enough to do.
(the BABY starts to cry)
There, there, baby. "Sleep, little baby, sleep, don't even make a peep,...
(the BABY starts to cry louder)
If you don't take a nap, then I will have to slap...
(the BABY wails)
There, there, your majesty. I didn't mean it.
(OLIVER is trying to help, but #3 ignores him)
How about a bottle? Baby want a bottle?
(OLIVER hands #3 a bottle. #3 obviously doesn't know what to do with it)
Why won't you eat?
(OLIVER takes out a rattle and shakes it)
QUIET!!!! You'll disturb the baby.
(OLIVER takes the bottle and puts it in the BABY'S mouth. The BABY is quiet for a moment, then wails again)
You idiot!!! That wasn't the solution!!! If their majesties hear the baby crying, they will have my head.
(desperate)
Suck, baby, suck!!!
(#3 makes a sucking face)
OLIVER
Excuse me, sir... |
